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flonnebonneGenre: Humour
Spoilers: Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers
Summary: If the Quest to destroy the One Ring is so darn dangerous, how come hardly any of the Fellowship die? Here's what really should have happened. [On-going]
Previous parts: Archived at my fanfiction.net account
Four of Nine
"What I'm wondering," Gimli managed to huff as he ran, "is what we're going to do when we catch up to those Uruk-hai."
"What are you talking about? It's only one hundred and twenty-two of them versus the three of us."
Gimli threw Aragorn a suspicious look. While it was true that Aragorn and Gandalf could probably take out fifty Uruk-hai apiece without breaking a sweat and Gimli could handle twenty-two no problem, the members of the Fellowship were frankly dropping like flies and it was worrisome. First whatshisface the Elf had fallen off Caradhras (Gimli still laughed from the bottom of his Dwarven soul whenever he thought of this), then Merry had been shoved into the depths of Khazad-dum (doom doom doom was the sound he made as he hit the rock face), then Boromir had been shot full of arrows (though it had taken him forever to knock off for good), and of course Frodo and Sam were off to Mordor (as good as dead, Gimli had no doubt about that).
And now he and Aragorn and Gandalf were chasing down a horde of Uruk-hai across the plains of Rohan to rescue Pippin.
"What I'm really wondering," said Gimli, "is why you two aren't headed for Minas Tirith and why I don't turn around and go home."
Aragorn grunted and Gandalf huffed. They were ignoring him, he was sure about it. But he tested his theory anyway.
"Four score and seven Durins ago, my forefathers ran across the plains of Rohan and it was like thwacking themselves in the foot with an axe. Then my mother met a nice oliphaunt and they lived happily ever after."
Aragorn and Gandalf said nothing.
"I knew it," Gimli groused grimly.
Meanwhile...
"I must say, Glarg, that is a tasty looking morsel you're hanging onto over there. Might I...?"
"My dear Sklorglspush, my sincerest apologies but I'm afraid you shall have to get your own hairy little person to snack on."
"Ha ha, you don't say, Glarg old bean."
For the rest of Pippin's life (which was admittedly looking pretty short), he would swear that this is what he heard from his position under Glarg's armpit. However, he might have been a little out of it, as he often was, due to that whole shortcut to mushrooms incident.
Despite Aragorn's fantastic Ranger skills, he somehow failed to notice the horde of Rohirrim bearing down on them until a horse had trod on Gimli's head. When questioned about it later, Aragorn would grumble that he didn't have Elf eyes and that's what Legolas had been for but he wasn't around anymore, was he.
Anyway, a lot of "who are yous" and "what the hells" were exchanged, and after a round of wheeling and dealing and sleight of hand, Gandalf managed to procure them a trio of horses.
"But I don't ride horses," said Gimli.
"Tough," said Gandalf.
"I will help you into the saddle, friend Gimli," and Aragorn tossed the Dwarf skyward.
"No one tosses a Dwarf!" yelled Gimli as he landed on Arod's back, from where he was promptly tossed again.
"What's wrong?" asked Gandalf as his horse expertly leapt through a smoke ring.
Gimli could feel himself being voted off the island.
Meanwhile...
Pippin had managed to escape from the Uruk-hai on his own (rendering Gandalf and company's frantic chase across the Plains of Rohan useless, incidentally), but in the process had run into a fate worse than being turned into Uruk-stew.
"Hroom!"
"a-lalla-lalla-rumba-kamanda-lindor-burúme"
"Hroom!"
"Hm!"
"I think," said Pippin, "that, roughly translated, 'Entmoot' means 'boring as hell.' If only Merry were here...."
"Hroom!"
"a-lalla-lalla-rumba-kamanda-lindor-burúme"
"Hroom!"
"Hm!"
"Someone kill me now."
Gimli looked up. And he looked up some more.
"This Fang Horn forest has tall trees."
"Fangorn," said Aragorn shortly.
"Yes, I'll have to speak to him tomorrow," Gandalf added. When the others gave him puzzled looks, he clarified, "You know, Fangorn? Treebeard? The Eldest of the Old, unless the Elves have anything to say about it?"
Aragorn and Gimli's expressions did not change.
"You youngsters never study your history. Go make yourselves useful and set up camp; I shall explore the edge of the forest by what little light we have left this day. Tomorrow at dawn we go into the forest proper." And Gandalf disappeared into the trees.
Damn wizard was probably going off to have a private smoke, Gimli thought to himself.
"Damn wizard's probably going off to have private smoke," he said aloud.
"Gimli," said Aragorn seriously, "I have something rather important to speak to you about."
Gimli perked up at this and gave Aragorn his full attention. Was it possible that he was going to be consulted about the quest? Was he finally being given his due?
"Gimli, this is going to sound harsh but frankly you're kind of extraneous," said Aragorn with a sympathetic furrowing of his brow. "You're sort of just...there. If Legolas were around I'm sure you'd be hanging around each other since he was the same way. I admit you're good for some things, like chopping wood, and comic relief - I know I always enjoy a good laugh at you. With you, I mean. And you're good in a fight...but not great in a fight. You're somewhat important to the quest but sort of not important at all. You're not even a Hobbit, though granted you are short and hairy. Gandalf and I, on the other hand, have an awful lot of prophecies written about us and at least ten names each, at a low estimate. All that is gold does not glitter and all, but...do you understand what I am saying?"
"What do you mean I would be hanging around with the Elf?" Gimli demanded, his face red.
Aragorn sighed.
"Why don't you go chop some wood?" he suggested.
Meanwhile...
*Thwap!*
"What was that?" said Pippin in alarm.
"Don't be hasty," Treebeard replied languidly. "I know that sound - it is the sound of one Orc smacking. Against a tree. After an Ent has tossed its putrid and tree-killing evil little body around a bit first."
"Oh, so no worries."
"Hey, this Orc was really hairy," Quickbeam noticed as he peeled its remains off his roots.
"Where did Gimli go?" Gandalf asked upon his return.
"No idea," Aragorn supplied.
If Gandalf thought the Ranger looked shiftier than usual, he made no comment.
On a completely different note, just how common of a name is Akira? Even with my limited exposure to Japanese culture I've come across the name four times:
-Sendoh Akira (Slam Dunk)
-Kamio Akira (Prince of Tennis)
-Touya Akira (Hikaru no Go)
-Akira the movie, as in TEEETTSSUUOOO!! KAAANNEEDDAA!!!
[Edit] -Akira the white-haired guy (Samurai Deeper Kyo)
