flonnebonne | [Hikaru no Go] Ficlet: Peeping Ping Version 2: Attack of the Clones

Okay, so two days ago I posted a ficlet called ~~Lost in Translation~~ Peeping Ping which had a lot of Mandarin in it, helpfully supplied by

ai_ling. But then

issen4 pointed out that the Mandarin wouldn't be necessary if I rewrote the fic from Yang Hai's POV, since the guy is septilingual or something.

So, yeah, here's the rewritten version of the fic. The FIC THAT WILL NOT DIE.

[Edit] Changed the name of the fic from "Lost in Translation" to "Peeping Ping" on the suggestion of

viridian_magpie.

Peeping Ping Version 2: Attack of the Clones

Yang Hai heard two nearly identical screams coming from down the hall. One scream was slightly higher in pitch than the other.

"That's coming from my room, isn't it," he asked rhetorically.

His friends muttered something under their breaths and kept their eyes glued to their kifu books.

More screaming from the direction of his room. Le Ping had a good set of lungs on him for such a whiny brat. "Yang Haaaaaaaai! They're doing it on your bed!"

"Don't tell it to the whole building!" Waya had an equally good set of lungs, no surprise there.

Yang Hai sighed and excused himself (not like his so-called friends cared) and walked down the corridor to his doom. Room. Whatever. He poked his head in and saw Le Ping jumping from the bed to the cot and back again like a monkey on steroids. Waya was jumping around after Le Ping like an idiot, while Isumi was noticeably not jumping around because he was trying to turn himself invisible.

Le Ping was the first to notice Yang Hai's presence. "Hey! Hey! Guess what! They were doing it on your bed!"

"My bed?" Yang Hai looked at Isumi, who looked pointedly at the ceiling. "My bed?" he said again, this time in Japanese.

"Shut up! We were not on his bed," protested Waya.

"What?" Le Ping shouted, seeming to think that if he was loud enough Waya would understand him. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"

"What?" Waya yelled back. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"

"No one understands the words coming out of either of your mouths," Isumi added helpfully.

Yang Hai sighed (he seemed to be doing that a lot today). He was so going to regret this. He said to Le Ping in Mandarin, "Waya said that he and Isumi were not having sexual relations on my bed."

"Fine, you were doing it on the other bed." Le Ping stuck out his tongue at Waya, who returned the favour before giving Yang Hai an expectant look. "Well?"

"He said you were doing it on the cot."

"You have no proof," retorted Waya, crossing his arms in front of him.

"What?" said Le Ping.

"Proof, you got none," supplied Yang Hai.

"You have no proof you didn't." Le Ping likewise crossed his arms. The clones stared each other down with identical stances and identical glares, like an experiment in CG technology gone horribly wrong, or a George Lucas movie gone horribly right. Same thing, really.

"By the way," Yang Hai said to Waya, "he basically just called you a liar."

"Yes! Liar!" Le Ping apparently knew at least one word of Japanese.

"You're the one who's a liar!" Waya loomed menacingly over Le Ping.

"Liar liar liar!" Le Ping climbed up on Yang Hai's bed so he could match Waya's height.

"It's so much worse when there are two of them," Isumi said apologetically.

Yang Hai massaged his forehead. "No kidding."

"Look, It's not our fault this pipsqueak is a peeping tom," Waya complained.

"I'm not Peeping Tom, I'm Le Ping!"

Waya tried to grab Le Ping again but the smaller boy was too fast.

"Isumi!" he cried, latching onto Isumi's leg. "What do you need this fake for? You have me!"

"Um...what?" Isumi blushed.

"He said, 'What do you need this fake for, you have me.'"

"He doesn't want jailbait," Waya snapped, finally managing to get a hold of Le Ping. "Now get out!"

"Waaah!" wailed Le Ping as he was dragged across the room. He managed to brace himself against the door frame before Waya could throw him out. "Isumi! Help!"

"I'm sorry, Le Ping, I'll play with you another time," Isumi replied, looking away.

"But your stupid boyfriend is trying to kill me!"

Yang Hai had just about had it. "Le Ping, shut up. Waya and Isumi, I don't care what you get up to on the spare bed, just leave my bed alone. And lock the door for chrissakes."

He plucked Le Ping out of Waya's hands, carried him into the hallway, and slammed the door shut behind him just as Le Ping cried out, "I love you and I'm carrying your baby!"

Yang Hai lifted Le Ping up to eye level and told him clearly, "I am not translating that."

"Let me go!"

"Yeah, like I'm gonna do that."

"Come on, I have an idea. Let me down, I'll be quiet.

Yang Hai didn't have the strength to hold on to an insane, hyperactive kid forever. He dropped Le Ping, who immedately started walking in place with loud then successively softer footsteps. Ah, he was pretending to walk away.

After about half a minute, Le Ping tiptoed his way to the door and put his ear against it. Yang Hai joined him silently, all the while cursing softly in Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, and English and feeling slightly out of his mind.

He heard Isumi's voice. "You're still in the mood after all that?"

Make that completely out of his mind.

"Especially after all that," growled Waya.

There was a small yelping sound. "Shouldn't we use the other bed?"

"There is no way in hell I'm moving now. And by the way, you are not going to 'play with that brat some other time.'"

"We'll see about that," muttered Le Ping. "I told you they were doing it on your bed."

Yang Hai just pressed his ear a little closer to the door. "Yeah, yeah. Now shut up so I can listen."

-End-

Which version sucks less? Which should get posted to the comms and ff.net?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

qem_chibati

I don't know I think the fic get's better and better. :)

*grins* You could post two versions together as a chapter one and two. Just to add to the fun, since I think the one that I read yesterday ~~and didn't comment sorry was being ninja D:~~ and this one work really well together.

XD *two thumbs up!*

From:

flonnebonne

Hey, there's an idea! Hm, that would probably work if I fiddled with the stories (again). I think I'll post both versions on LJ but not on FF.net...I don't want to get banned for posting the same story twice. -_-

From:

qem_chibati

I think as long as you posted them as part of the same fic you'd be safe; since they start off different and approach everything from different angles.

But the Yang Hai version would probably do better on ff.net. :)

I just think it's really brilliant. :)

From:

love_archived

Dear god, I am absolutely in love with this version, because Yang Hai's brand of humor is just SO MUCH LOVE. <3 *ships Yang Hai/Isumi, really*

From:

flonnebonne

I get the feeling from reading the manga that Yang Hai would be an awesome guy to hang around. He actually has social skills! And interests outside of go!

I love the idea of Yang Hai/Isumi. But I love the idea of a Yang Hai/Isumi/Waya/Le Ping love quadrangle better. :)

From:

love_archived

*laughs* <3

If I wrote fic for HnG, would you beta it? *Has at least two in progress* Of course, I would do the same for you if you wanted it! ^_^

From:

flonnebonne

Sure, I'd be happy to. Not sure how good a beta I'd be (I've never beta'ed for anyone before!) but I'll give it a shot. Feel free to fire me at any time.

Ooh! Ooh! I am totally gonna take advantage of your offer to beta for me right away. I wrote a fic called Blind Going In for the first round of

blind_go. I think the fic is kind of awkward but I've been too lazy to go back and edit it. Would you be kind enough to look over it for me? Take your time. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

From:

love_archived

I saw that fic the first time! ^_^ And you seem to be on IM. I'm Hopestarlight (AIM), elfdark(at)hotmail(dot)com on MSN, inka_c (Y!), and my e-mail address on GTalk. Or you could use Gizmo since I am also logged into Jabber.

Er.

^_^

From:

flonnebonne

Er, I'm on IM? Really? When did that happen? *checks profile* Oh yeah, I do seem to recall signing up for something or other. But I haven't actually downloaded a client or anything. Sorry to disappoint...I'm just not much of a chat person. :)

From:

love_archived

I like the fic the way it is. However, if you REALLY WANT ME TO ...

Touya was not willing to pry any further. He did not ask whether Yoshida had been blind his entire life, whether he'd learned to hold the stones with his eyes or without, whether he'd once had to relearn everything he knew. Because it was true, wasn't it. They shared a love of go, and that was all they needed.

Maybe he and Yoshida weren't so different after all. They both loved go blindly, grasping for something that might or might not exist, like children playing with shadow puppets on the wall, ever-hopeful and ever-afraid of the light that would turn the shadows into nothing. Perhaps they were all like that--Touya, his father, Ogata, Shindou, everyone--lonely stones adrift in the dark, the Hand of God forever beyond their reach.

Perhaps it was Touya who couldn't fathom the sort of Go that Yoshida played. Perhaps for this man there was nothing lost in the loss of what could be seen.

After they finished discussing the game, Yoshida left for the subway station (he refused Touya's offer to walk with him) and Touya returned to the table where they had been playing. The stones had been cleared from the board but he didn't need to see them to remember their shape. He sat down to rest his eyes for a little while.

This part might be better expanded, if you want to be nitpicky. The leap from blind go to lonely stones seemed to move a little too quickly if I was in the mood for philosophical fic (which I frequently am, though not all the time).

From:

love_archived

Also, the loss and not-loss of sight could be better explored (IMHO).

I am exploring (in my mind) loss-of-vision fics, but I have nothing. *sighs and drops head* I move closer and closer to blindness every day.

From:

flonnebonne

So the fic should be MORE philosophical? I was thinking it was already kind of annoyingly philosophical, and should have more actual igo in it. But I guess I should just run with it?

From:

love_archived

*laughs* I am biased and freely admit it. If go is the way to explain the loss/loss-of-sight, then please, by all means.

From:

love_archived

You may regret this when you see the whopper coming your way. Tengen has absorbed two bunnies into itself, and I wonder if it isn't eyeing another. 3 chapters and counting (on paper, anyway).

From:

flonnebonne

Bring it on! (that's what I say now, before the bomb drops)

From:

issen4.livejournal.com

Yeah, I'm somoewhat prejudiced because it was my idea, but I love the way you've re-interpreted the whole thing through Yang Hai's eyes, like his oblivious, kifu-reading friends, his private comments on Le Ping, and the advantage he has over everyone else because he's multilingual--they all depend on him for communication!

It reads more smoothly because there're no language gaps, but whatever you want to post is up to you. ^^

From:

flonnebonne

I admit I was kind of privately cursing you while I was struggling to write this version, but I'm really glad now that you suggested it. :)

I think I'll probably post both versions on LJ and just the Yang Hai version on ff.net.

From:

qem_chibati

Um... I was wondering if it was possible I could read this fic for the

ihikago thing? I'd be willing to do the other version as well /instead if that's what you prefer though I'm not sure the world is willing to see how badly I mutilate pronouncing Chinese.

From:

flonnebonne

Yes, of course! *is flattered* You can do whichever version you like. And your Mandarin pronunciation is better than mine, trust me.

From:

juin.livejournal.com

I like this version for having Yang Hai's dryly-voiced narration, but Le Ping's Mandarin was somehow funnier?

So basically, I like both versions. 8D

From:

flonnebonne

Everyone is so indecisive, including me. XD I'll probably post both versions on LJ then, and just the Yang Hai version on ff.net.

From:

moonythestrals.livejournal.com

if I haven't told you this before, I'm telling you now: you win everything, ever. basically. :)

From:

flonnebonne

I have a short memory, so feel free to tell me that as many times as you want. :)

From:

keelain.livejournal.com

it was kinda hard to read the chinese in the first one XD but I liked it so much better since you weren't repeating the same thing twice.

the only untranslated part was the baby carrying comment, everything else people should understand XD

From:

flonnebonne

Sorry that the pinyin was so hard to read! It was kind of the lesser of two evils. Xp It's interesting to me how the people who can read Chinese have responded to this story...

Le Ping's line about carrying Isumi's baby went untranslated in the story itself, but I put a translation in the author's notes. Even if readers don't see the note, I figure it's kind of funny that way. :P

From:

fyredancer.livejournal.com

I like them both! But, I think I like this one a little bit more because thanks to Yang Hai we get to understand everything that both clones are saying. ♥ This is really cute.

From:

flonnebonne

I like the Yang Hai version better too. :) I think it's mainly the people who can read Chinese who like the other version. Glad you enjoyed!

From:

svz-insanity.livejournal.com

Oh my god, Steph. I can't believe I missed commenting on this! (I just read Qem's podfic of your fic. :D) This is hilarious and adorable. <3 I sort of miss the Chinese pin yin (if only because I could understand it). You honestly write the best crackfics.

From:

flonnebonne

Why, thank you! I've been full of crack lately for some reason.

I wish I knew Chinese so bad, and not just so that I wouldn't have had to bug ai_ling to translate stuff for me. -_-