flonnebonne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flonnebonne) wrote2012-11-27 11:45 pm
flonnebonne) wrote2012-11-27 11:45 pm
Entry tags:
[Hikaru no Go] Fic: Tengen Guy and Strawberry Girl
Title: Tengen Guy and Strawberry Girl
Yashiro won in the end, but it felt like a loss.
Here’s why: earlier in the day he’d glanced at one of his opponent’s games and been thoroughly unimpressed. She was just an insei, after all. Truth was, he didn’t think much of this study group in general--too many insei, too many people who were obviously there just because they were friends, too much laughter and not enough serious study. Too small an apartment for all these people too. He was kind of pissed off at Shindou for dragging him here. It’s not like Yashiro had a lot of time to waste while he was in Tokyo.
So he was kind of shocked to find himself losing against the insei girl, to be deep into chuuban and fighting to catch up with every move, to be counting stones in yose and praying for a win.
Most of Yashiro’s wins weren’t like that.
“One and a half moku,” Nase announced, sounding more pleased than annoyed. “I thought I had you beat for most of the game.”
He nodded, studying the board, still not sure how he’d not lost.
“It was here,” she said, as if answering his thoughts. “This move, way back, maybe twenty moves ago. You’ve been playing Shindou lately, haven’t you? This hand is just like him. It set you up to gain two moku during yose.”
“I didn’t mean to do it.”
“But you must have known, somewhere in the back of your mind. Otherwise why would you have done it? Brilliant.”
“You’re right,” Yashiro replied, then realized what he’d said. “Not the brilliant part, I mean, but what you said, the other part - ”
“Ha, don’t worry about it. But what you did here was even better...”
It anything was brilliant, it was the way her eyes lit up as she told him all about her loss.
By the time they finished their discussion, Yashiro decided he wanted to ask her out. He just needed to figure out a way -
“The other games look like they’re going to take a while. Want to go grab something to eat?” she said, beating him yet again.
He hadn’t really been thinking of going to a convenience store, but he’d take what he could get.
“I’ve been wanting to play you ever since Honda-san told us about his game with you before,” she told him as they browsed the bread section. “He keeps talking about it.”
“Honda-san?” Yashiro couldn’t remember who that was.
“Yeah. You played him before the Hokuto Cup in a practice game of some sort. You played first-hand tengen.”
“Oh, I think I remember that.”
“He’s going to be disappointed,” Nase laughed. “He talks about that game so much. For a while I thought maybe he had a crush on you.”
Yashiro could picture the guy’s face now. Puffy lips, bad skin, boring hair. And...
If he has a crush on anyone it’s you, Nase-san.
But Yashiro didn’t say that.
“I half expected you to play tengen on me today,” she went on, sighing in mock dejection. “I was so sad when you didn’t.”
“Is that really how everyone knows me around here?”
“Yeah, you’re the tengen guy.”
When he didn’t respond right away, Nase turned away from the sandwich she’d been examining and said, “Hey, that’s a compliment, Yashiro-kun. Tengen is so, you know, risky and rebellious.”
He scowled a little, and wondered what his parents would have thought of that. He told her, “Back when we were prepping for the Hokuto Cup, Kurata-san said I’m not strong enough to play hands like tengen and 5-5.”
“Really? Don’t mention that to Honda-san. He’ll be so disappointed. Do you think I should get the ham or the tonkatsu?”
“Um, I would go for the tonkatsu.”
“Hm. I guess.” Her voice had gone a little vague. “You know, I only lost to you by one and a half moku today, but I don’t usually play that well.”
“Really?” said Yashiro, feeling a bit guilty for thinking it was probably true.
“Yeah. There’s a reason I haven’t passed the pro exam yet. I’ve been trying for five years. And now I’ve got university entrance exams coming up and my mom says I should quit go. Maybe she’s right.”
Nase wasn’t looking at him anymore. The sandwich rack seemed to have captured all her attention.
“It’s just...once in a while,” she went on, “I’ll play really well, and it gives me some hope, which is almost worst than not having any.”
Why are you telling me all this? he wondered, but he knew the answer even as he thought to ask the question. You’re willing to talk to me ‘cause you think you won’t see me again, right, since I’m not from around here. Or...is it because you think you’ll never make it as a pro, that you’ll never be part of the world I’m in? ‘Cause your mom keeps telling you you’re not good enough, and you believe her.
He’d heard all that crap before; he still heard it, even if his mom and dad didn’t dare criticize him openly now. It was in the way they looked at him, in the things they didn’t say. We’re proud of you, Kiyoharu. That’s all he’d ever wanted. He’d spent years trying to get them to say it.
But lately...Yashiro would look down at the empty goban, thinking about his first hand, and he would ask himself: were those words really worth waiting for? Because he knew, he knew that whether he made it big or not, whether dad and mom approved or not, he would keep playing. He couldn’t help it. The only thing he was waiting for was himself.
And that’s why he said:
“I’d rather try and fail, I’d rather do everything I can, than do it half-assed. The way you played today, that was pro-level. If you can play like that - if you can make me sweat and play catch-up and force it to yose - and you still quit go I don’t think I’ll respect you as much anymore. Nase-san.”
She glanced at him, sidelong, but he couldn’t tell if she was mad or not. “That’s easy for a pro to say,” she said quietly. “You can play at that level all the time.”
“Yeah, so? You played like that today.” He could hear how harsh he sounded, but he didn’t stop, because he was saying the truth. “I’d rather take the chance that I’ll play one great game than a lifetime of safe, just okay games. And your parents will always, always tell you to play it safe, Nase-san, and they’re wrong.”
For a long time there was nothing between them but the sound of sandwich wrappers crinkling, and he tried to not look at her face. But he couldn’t help watching her hands as they wandered aimlessly over the bread rack. They were pretty hands, he could see, but what he noticed most of all were the calluses on the fingertips.
He didn’t feel sorry at all for being an ass to her, if it meant she’d keep on playing.
“Maybe not tonkatsu today after all,” she finally said. “Maybe I’ll get something sugary, give me some energy for the afternoon games.”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Or maybe I’ll be really daring and get...this one. Egg alfalfa strawberry.”
“Uh, okay. Yeah.”
Now Nase had really gone crazy. But she was smiling, that brilliant smile that’d made him want to ask her out in the first place, and she was holding up the bread between two dainty, go-callused fingers, right in his face.
“Like you said, Yashiro Kiyoharu, we have to do the hard things in life. Otherwise we’ll never get stronger.”
“I...guess I did?”
“So, let’s.”
And she dropped the horrible, horrible plastic-wrapped egg alfalfa strawberry sandwich right above his hands, and Yashiro was stupid enough to catch it.
“I don’t even really know what alfalfa is,” she told him, still grinning away.
They ate on a park bench, because if Yashiro was going to die a sandwich-related death, it might as well be in public.
“That looks delicious.” Nase was grinning as Yashiro unsealed his doom. “Hold on, let me take a picture.”
He held up one triangle of the sandwich so it hid his face.
Click.
“Perfect! Very weird. It’s like a triangular sun, with a halo of spiky white hair around it. Now hold it sideways so I can get a picture of the contents. Yeah, like that.”
Click.
“It’s itadakimasu time, Yashiro-kun.”
He handed her the second half of the sandwich, still in its wrapper. Nase rolled her eyes but took it.
“I’m not going to be the only one to suffer,” he insisted.
“Of course. I’ll be glad to eat half.”
He scowled threateningly. “You promise? We together in this?”
“No promises,” she said, but her eyes said differently. There was something serious in them, for just a moment, and he caught himself looking at them, at her, without remembering to breathe.
They bit into their triangles at the same time.
Nase chewed thoughtfully for a few seconds before saying, “It actually tastes all right.”
Yashiro was trying not to spit it out. “Nothing is right in this sandwich.”
“Really? I think the sweetness of the strawberry counteracts the slight bitterness of the alfalfa rather well.”
“The strawberries are mushy.”
“The saltiness of the egg ties everything together.”
“The egg tastes like a sponge, a really salty one. With...dashi and mirin. I can’t believe you made me pay for this thing.”
“Guys should pay for girls, you know,” she remarked. “It’s the cool thing to do.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, thinking again about how he’d failed to ask her out. So much for being the big risk-taker. He stuffed another chunk of the sandwich in his mouth as if to punish himself. Soon they would be done eating. They’d go back to the apartment to join everyone else and Yashiro would have lost his chance. It was now or never.
He swallowed, screwed up his courage, opened his mouth wide, and -
“Hey, we should go on a real date one of these days,” Nase said, beating him yet again. “Maybe we can upgrade to NcDonald’s or something this time.”
“What?” he answered, egg sliding down his chin, totally suave-like. “I mean, yes. You don’t mind that I’m younger than you?”
She waved her sandwich dismissively. “It’s okay. You’re tall. And at least you’re going to high school, so you’re not illiterate like some people I could mention. I swear, if Shindou and Waya didn’t have Isumi-san looking after them, they’d be in jail by now for, I don’t know, forgetting to pay their taxes.”
“What about me being from Osaka?”
“I really like the accent.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he said.
“Then what did you mean?” She took a dainty, unconcerned bite of her sandwich.
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning, and it’s so far from Osaka to Tokyo - ”
But even as he was speaking the idea hit him like a freight train - or like a shinkansen, rushing down the Tokaido Line at a million miles an hour, carrying Yashiro away from his parents and all their bullshit, away from the expectations he could never meet, didn’t need to meet anymore because here was a fresh start and a new world of go to explore, plus a cool girl who might like him and who could play pretty awesome go to boot, even if she had horrible taste in food.
He held up the sandwich she’d made him buy, or the mashed remains of it, and said, “I’ll go on a date, but only if you never make me eat something like this again.”
“But you’re the one who said we have to try new things. Sometimes life gives you strawberry egg alfalfa, and you just have to make lemonade.”
“I was talking about go.”
“I guess we can try out new go things together too.”
“Yeah.” He was looking forward to that.
They ate in silence, Nase with a thoughtful look on her face, Yashiro just trying not to puke.
When they were done, she turned to him and said brightly, “That was interesting. I’m so glad we got the ham chocolate mustard sandwich too.”
Yashiro groaned.
“Cheer up, tengen guy!” she told him.
Her smile was still brilliant.
- End -
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Characters: Yashiro, Nase
Genre: Romance, Humour
Wordcount: 2083
Summary: Yashiro and Nase play a game, buy sandwiches, eat sandwiches.
Note:There are currently two different titles and two different versions of the last scene. Help me pick the better title/last scene? (Can you tell I am indecisive?) Went with the second version. Thank you to everyone for the advice!
Another Note: This was written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cryforthedream, for donating to a Superstorm Sandy relief agency.
Yet Another Note: Oh wait there is actually a third version of this fic. It is horrible.
Characters: Yashiro, Nase
Genre: Romance, Humour
Wordcount: 2083
Summary: Yashiro and Nase play a game, buy sandwiches, eat sandwiches.
Note:
Another Note: This was written for
cryforthedream, for donating to a Superstorm Sandy relief agency.Yet Another Note: Oh wait there is actually a third version of this fic. It is horrible.
Tengen Guy and Strawberry Girl
Yashiro won in the end, but it felt like a loss.
Here’s why: earlier in the day he’d glanced at one of his opponent’s games and been thoroughly unimpressed. She was just an insei, after all. Truth was, he didn’t think much of this study group in general--too many insei, too many people who were obviously there just because they were friends, too much laughter and not enough serious study. Too small an apartment for all these people too. He was kind of pissed off at Shindou for dragging him here. It’s not like Yashiro had a lot of time to waste while he was in Tokyo.
So he was kind of shocked to find himself losing against the insei girl, to be deep into chuuban and fighting to catch up with every move, to be counting stones in yose and praying for a win.
Most of Yashiro’s wins weren’t like that.
“One and a half moku,” Nase announced, sounding more pleased than annoyed. “I thought I had you beat for most of the game.”
He nodded, studying the board, still not sure how he’d not lost.
“It was here,” she said, as if answering his thoughts. “This move, way back, maybe twenty moves ago. You’ve been playing Shindou lately, haven’t you? This hand is just like him. It set you up to gain two moku during yose.”
“I didn’t mean to do it.”
“But you must have known, somewhere in the back of your mind. Otherwise why would you have done it? Brilliant.”
“You’re right,” Yashiro replied, then realized what he’d said. “Not the brilliant part, I mean, but what you said, the other part - ”
“Ha, don’t worry about it. But what you did here was even better...”
It anything was brilliant, it was the way her eyes lit up as she told him all about her loss.
By the time they finished their discussion, Yashiro decided he wanted to ask her out. He just needed to figure out a way -
“The other games look like they’re going to take a while. Want to go grab something to eat?” she said, beating him yet again.
- 0 - 0 -
He hadn’t really been thinking of going to a convenience store, but he’d take what he could get.
“I’ve been wanting to play you ever since Honda-san told us about his game with you before,” she told him as they browsed the bread section. “He keeps talking about it.”
“Honda-san?” Yashiro couldn’t remember who that was.
“Yeah. You played him before the Hokuto Cup in a practice game of some sort. You played first-hand tengen.”
“Oh, I think I remember that.”
“He’s going to be disappointed,” Nase laughed. “He talks about that game so much. For a while I thought maybe he had a crush on you.”
Yashiro could picture the guy’s face now. Puffy lips, bad skin, boring hair. And...
If he has a crush on anyone it’s you, Nase-san.
But Yashiro didn’t say that.
“I half expected you to play tengen on me today,” she went on, sighing in mock dejection. “I was so sad when you didn’t.”
“Is that really how everyone knows me around here?”
“Yeah, you’re the tengen guy.”
When he didn’t respond right away, Nase turned away from the sandwich she’d been examining and said, “Hey, that’s a compliment, Yashiro-kun. Tengen is so, you know, risky and rebellious.”
He scowled a little, and wondered what his parents would have thought of that. He told her, “Back when we were prepping for the Hokuto Cup, Kurata-san said I’m not strong enough to play hands like tengen and 5-5.”
“Really? Don’t mention that to Honda-san. He’ll be so disappointed. Do you think I should get the ham or the tonkatsu?”
“Um, I would go for the tonkatsu.”
“Hm. I guess.” Her voice had gone a little vague. “You know, I only lost to you by one and a half moku today, but I don’t usually play that well.”
“Really?” said Yashiro, feeling a bit guilty for thinking it was probably true.
“Yeah. There’s a reason I haven’t passed the pro exam yet. I’ve been trying for five years. And now I’ve got university entrance exams coming up and my mom says I should quit go. Maybe she’s right.”
Nase wasn’t looking at him anymore. The sandwich rack seemed to have captured all her attention.
“It’s just...once in a while,” she went on, “I’ll play really well, and it gives me some hope, which is almost worst than not having any.”
Why are you telling me all this? he wondered, but he knew the answer even as he thought to ask the question. You’re willing to talk to me ‘cause you think you won’t see me again, right, since I’m not from around here. Or...is it because you think you’ll never make it as a pro, that you’ll never be part of the world I’m in? ‘Cause your mom keeps telling you you’re not good enough, and you believe her.
He’d heard all that crap before; he still heard it, even if his mom and dad didn’t dare criticize him openly now. It was in the way they looked at him, in the things they didn’t say. We’re proud of you, Kiyoharu. That’s all he’d ever wanted. He’d spent years trying to get them to say it.
But lately...Yashiro would look down at the empty goban, thinking about his first hand, and he would ask himself: were those words really worth waiting for? Because he knew, he knew that whether he made it big or not, whether dad and mom approved or not, he would keep playing. He couldn’t help it. The only thing he was waiting for was himself.
And that’s why he said:
“I’d rather try and fail, I’d rather do everything I can, than do it half-assed. The way you played today, that was pro-level. If you can play like that - if you can make me sweat and play catch-up and force it to yose - and you still quit go I don’t think I’ll respect you as much anymore. Nase-san.”
She glanced at him, sidelong, but he couldn’t tell if she was mad or not. “That’s easy for a pro to say,” she said quietly. “You can play at that level all the time.”
“Yeah, so? You played like that today.” He could hear how harsh he sounded, but he didn’t stop, because he was saying the truth. “I’d rather take the chance that I’ll play one great game than a lifetime of safe, just okay games. And your parents will always, always tell you to play it safe, Nase-san, and they’re wrong.”
For a long time there was nothing between them but the sound of sandwich wrappers crinkling, and he tried to not look at her face. But he couldn’t help watching her hands as they wandered aimlessly over the bread rack. They were pretty hands, he could see, but what he noticed most of all were the calluses on the fingertips.
He didn’t feel sorry at all for being an ass to her, if it meant she’d keep on playing.
“Maybe not tonkatsu today after all,” she finally said. “Maybe I’ll get something sugary, give me some energy for the afternoon games.”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Or maybe I’ll be really daring and get...this one. Egg alfalfa strawberry.”
“Uh, okay. Yeah.”
Now Nase had really gone crazy. But she was smiling, that brilliant smile that’d made him want to ask her out in the first place, and she was holding up the bread between two dainty, go-callused fingers, right in his face.
“Like you said, Yashiro Kiyoharu, we have to do the hard things in life. Otherwise we’ll never get stronger.”
“I...guess I did?”
“So, let’s.”
And she dropped the horrible, horrible plastic-wrapped egg alfalfa strawberry sandwich right above his hands, and Yashiro was stupid enough to catch it.
“I don’t even really know what alfalfa is,” she told him, still grinning away.
- 0 - 0 -
They ate on a park bench, because if Yashiro was going to die a sandwich-related death, it might as well be in public.
“That looks delicious.” Nase was grinning as Yashiro unsealed his doom. “Hold on, let me take a picture.”
He held up one triangle of the sandwich so it hid his face.
Click.
“Perfect! Very weird. It’s like a triangular sun, with a halo of spiky white hair around it. Now hold it sideways so I can get a picture of the contents. Yeah, like that.”
Click.
“It’s itadakimasu time, Yashiro-kun.”
He handed her the second half of the sandwich, still in its wrapper. Nase rolled her eyes but took it.
“I’m not going to be the only one to suffer,” he insisted.
“Of course. I’ll be glad to eat half.”
He scowled threateningly. “You promise? We together in this?”
“No promises,” she said, but her eyes said differently. There was something serious in them, for just a moment, and he caught himself looking at them, at her, without remembering to breathe.
They bit into their triangles at the same time.
Nase chewed thoughtfully for a few seconds before saying, “It actually tastes all right.”
Yashiro was trying not to spit it out. “Nothing is right in this sandwich.”
“Really? I think the sweetness of the strawberry counteracts the slight bitterness of the alfalfa rather well.”
“The strawberries are mushy.”
“The saltiness of the egg ties everything together.”
“The egg tastes like a sponge, a really salty one. With...dashi and mirin. I can’t believe you made me pay for this thing.”
“Guys should pay for girls, you know,” she remarked. “It’s the cool thing to do.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, thinking again about how he’d failed to ask her out. So much for being the big risk-taker. He stuffed another chunk of the sandwich in his mouth as if to punish himself. Soon they would be done eating. They’d go back to the apartment to join everyone else and Yashiro would have lost his chance. It was now or never.
He swallowed, screwed up his courage, opened his mouth wide, and -
“Hey, we should go on a real date one of these days,” Nase said, beating him yet again. “Maybe we can upgrade to NcDonald’s or something this time.”
“What?” he answered, egg sliding down his chin, totally suave-like. “I mean, yes. You don’t mind that I’m younger than you?”
She waved her sandwich dismissively. “It’s okay. You’re tall. And at least you’re going to high school, so you’re not illiterate like some people I could mention. I swear, if Shindou and Waya didn’t have Isumi-san looking after them, they’d be in jail by now for, I don’t know, forgetting to pay their taxes.”
“What about me being from Osaka?”
“I really like the accent.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he said.
“Then what did you mean?” She took a dainty, unconcerned bite of her sandwich.
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning, and it’s so far from Osaka to Tokyo - ”
But even as he was speaking the idea hit him like a freight train - or like a shinkansen, rushing down the Tokaido Line at a million miles an hour, carrying Yashiro away from his parents and all their bullshit, away from the expectations he could never meet, didn’t need to meet anymore because here was a fresh start and a new world of go to explore, plus a cool girl who might like him and who could play pretty awesome go to boot, even if she had horrible taste in food.
He held up the sandwich she’d made him buy, or the mashed remains of it, and said, “I’ll go on a date, but only if you never make me eat something like this again.”
“But you’re the one who said we have to try new things. Sometimes life gives you strawberry egg alfalfa, and you just have to make lemonade.”
“I was talking about go.”
“I guess we can try out new go things together too.”
“Yeah.” He was looking forward to that.
They ate in silence, Nase with a thoughtful look on her face, Yashiro just trying not to puke.
When they were done, she turned to him and said brightly, “That was interesting. I’m so glad we got the ham chocolate mustard sandwich too.”
Yashiro groaned.
“Cheer up, tengen guy!” she told him.
Her smile was still brilliant.
- End -
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the second ending is more complete, fulfilled. i like the balance of the first title (Kansai Boy and Tokyo Girl) since it's about the two of them, but i also like 'Tengen Guy' as a reference to what the insei are calling him. so, er, if you aren't sure about Kansai Boy and Tokyo Girl, then maybe something like Tengen Guy and Hot Girl or... Strawberry Girl... hm.
two smallsmall edits... in the first section,
It anything was brilliant, it was the way her eyes lit up as she told him all about her loss.
should be IF anything... and in the second section
“I’ll play really well, and it gives me some hope, which is almost worst than not having any.”
almost worse. ^_~
...oddly, i even really like the "horrible" ficlet that spawned this. i like the bitterness of the breaking up (i am a total sucker for break up fics...) and i think nase's characterization is spot-on there. it is here, too, so sadly for Yashiro, i'm assuming that break up is destiny. meep.
♥!
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Thank you for the edits and the suggestions! I think "Tengen Guy and Strawberry Girl" sounds...really dirty, but I might go for it.
The breakup scene...hm, it does feel like it's destined, doesn't it? Yashiro somehow seems too go-focused to be quite right for Nase, who has shown that she has other interests as well. (Btw, there's a factual mistake in the ficlet. I double-checked and Yashiro is Hikaru's age, not Waya's.)
Ha ha, Ogata/Nase would be epically weird. Also illegal (but not in a few years)! But you're a writer with a light enough touch to pull it off. If you write it I will still make fun of you though.
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happy to provide!! you've always been so kind and helpful in that way for me, so. ^_~ but i missed the age thing. mostly because, like you, i would need to do research to sort it out. (for my big bang fic, i started writing out this huuuuge timeline to try to keep it all straight in my head...!)
heh, dirty, huh? well, they'll get to that... before the inevitable end. ^_~
that scene just felt so right between them... they're just in two different places, and yeah, he is so go focused, and she's on the brink on one hand, and a part of a larger/broader world on the other... *pets poor yashiro* it's a good break up scene, though!! ^_^;;
ogata/nase... sighs!! yeah, i think my brain has always given nase a few years, lol! i look forward to being made fun of... should i ever venture into such waters. ^_~
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http://hikarunogo.livejournal.com/81499.html
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Tegen Guy and Strawberry girl sounds awesome. XD
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I think I might go with that title!
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I must say I was very pleasantly surprised to see that your "revamp" turned into a full fledged fic.! Just for that I've sent another $5 to Red Cross. Hooray for more of your writing! Feed me, I say! Feed me!
Lolwut stuff:
“Hey, that’s a compliment, you know, Yashiro-kun."
-Sentence reads a bit awkwardly.
waiting for his first hand to be played, and he would tell himself, were those words really worth waiting for?
-Is comma the best punctuation decision after "tell himself?" And would "ask himself" or some verb thereof be a better fit? The more I write and read the more lax I think certain punctuation rules should be, so actually if you had other thoughts I would be glad to hear it.
"and you still quit go I don’t think I’ll respect "
-You italicize both here and I only bring it up because you don't italicize "go" anywhere else. Two words being italicized is always a bit rare to me so I just wasn't sure if you wanted Yashiro to emphasize both words or just one.
“I...guessI did?”
-Needs a space-ola.
NcDonald’s
-Might be purposeful.
she said, but her eyes said differently.
-This is actually a bad habit I share too, which is I use the same verbs in the same sentence unconsciously. It always stands out more when you read over a work again and even really popular authors do this. I just want to mention it because it's up to your own tastes whether you think better verbs fit or if the sentence reads fine as is. When I catch it in my writing I think whether that WAS the verb I was intending in those spots, and making sure that takes precedence over wanting to change it only to add variety in the sentence. I don't know if that's necessarily the "correct" way of thinking about it, but as I said I'm big on author expression rather than always doing something for a reader, even if you should keep the reader in mind.
egg alfalfa strawberry
-You're evil.
ham chocolate mustard
-...Really, really evil.
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It's... what the hell? It's fluffy! (Sort of.) What a turnaround from the first version of the fic. I had expected some craaaaawling in my skin and emo moments galore when I started reading because of the first fic., but me like, me like! I've always had the impression that you were more in your skin writing fluff and humor even though I think most of your dramatic writing is asdfg GODLY, but I digress.
I think Yashiro's attitude towards a study group with Shindou and the others is totally spot on-- they're somewhat of an eccentric bunch and Yashiro's personality presented in the manga would likely react just as you wrote it. And speaking of Yashiro's attitude, I think you hit it really well throughout most of the fic., including that he wouldn't be able to approach Nase without some thought-- the guy's go is bold, but my impression was that his personality was contrary to his playing style.
And Nase! Glad you nailed one of the biggest points about why she keeps playing go and made it relevant to how the two could interact. It felt really believable and well-thought out. What I enjoyed in the introduction was that she would be proud of how well she did rather than brooding over how she lost. And I also enjoy that you really had her lead all the interactions and be kind of in-charge; again, I think it fits how they would likely interact. It made the turnaround where Yashiro advises her to keep playing and not to give up more powerful that way. And speaking of that scene, this line:
"They were pretty hands, he could see, but what he noticed most of all were the calluses on the fingertips."
Stood out a lot more because of how you set things up and you really made it appropriate in the context. I always like that about your writing-- you know when to drop a prose bomb.
"And she dropped the horrible, horrible plastic-wrapped egg alfalfa strawberry sandwich right above his hands, and Yashiro was stupid enough to catch it."
...And this line was just pure awesome.
As for the two (three?) endings.
WELP.
You could always try to combine all three into this smorgasbord of cool (presumably the third ending would be last and break all the little HnG fans hearts), but I'm not sure that you want to do that. My impression was:
Despite what you might think, the first ending actually feels a bit more underdeveloped BECAUSE they go straight back, and the "this was the most fun I've had in a long time" feels un-genuine because of it. Yeah you're probably like "BUT THE RANDOM SANDWICH TALK IN THE SECOND ENDING--!" Well I know, but in the context of Nase asking Yashiro to have another date, it works better to have more development even if you think it's excessively fluffy. The first ending makes it feel a lot more abrupt because you only have the conversation they had in the convenience store to go off of why Nase might have any sort of liking for him. The second ending expounds a bit more on Yashiro's reaction to a casual situation and makes Nase suddenly suggesting another meeting between the two seem less shallow. (I actually thought you did a good job of differentiating this through Yashiro's impressions, by having him note she's a "hot girl" in the first ending and a "cool girl" in the second to reflect Yashiro having a more thorough evaluation of her. You fucking genius writer you.) So if I had to choose I like the second version more because of that.
Oh, and the "walking through a door being too cliche" comment? Nah, it's cool yo. (Scene transitions/endings wind up being cliche only if you think about it too much IMO. Execution and writing style tends to make it different enough.)
As for the title, reading through the other comments your mind sounds made up. I think it works, for what it's worth.
It was a smooth, easy read and was quite fitting for how the two might hook up. Definitely came across as far less forced than the first fic. and I enjoyed it.
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Didncha know? NcDonald's is the replacement for McDonald's in Hikago:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/recent/BellM/Dai/ncdonald.jpg
I don't like emo all that much! Not unless it's narratively justified! So yeah, fluff and humour!
I worked hard on Yashiro's attitude--my first version of this new version of this fic had Yashiro being too snarky and smooth (Nase was rubbing off on him) which just struck me as wrong.
I've got three votes for the second version of the ending now, so I'm going with it. Huh, after what you wrote I'm wondering now if it's possible to tack the first ending onto the second one, with some tweaking. A lot of tweaking. We shall see. I probably won't use the depressing break-up scene though. Too totally different from the rest!
I feel like I've done that walking-through-a-door ending before, somewhere. I wonder where. Anyway, regardless of that, it somehow didn't seem to fit. Too dramatic for a fluff fic. Also, the door trope doesn't cohere with the images used (sandwiches and smiles) in the rest of the fic.
Hm, "Sandwiches and Smiles." Is that a better fic title? Now I am pondering.
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You don't feel the walking-through-a-door thing fits for a fluff fic.? I keep seeing a "conversation-end camera pan to bright blue sky from door" thing whenever I think of it related to fluff, so I think it could work if you wanted to. Execution, yo.
"Sandwiches and Smiles" actually feels more cliche than "Tengen Boy, Strawberry Girl" and variations thereof.
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she said, but her eyes said differently.
I actually quite like the juxtaposition of the repeated saids here? Although I have to admit this is a totally subjective thing at times and I do tend to have a high tolerance for repetition. yvmv on this I guess. Otherwise though I think most of
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my vote would be slightly for the second version over the first but I think both of them work fine really but I am sort of crap at comparative reading like this; both versions start running into my mind and melding together, so. -_-
ETA: Also I may have told you this before, but occasionally I make lists to myself like 'three best writers in Hikago', and you are one of the two who has consistently on that list since about 2006. Your vision of the series is so interesting and creative and true.
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I usually don't pay much attention to Yashiro and the other Johnny-come-Hokuto-lately guys either, to tell you the truth. I think he would have been an interesting character if he'd been around longer though. He has so many issues!
Nase is cool! She is easy to identify with because she's not super-talented like the rest of our go dweebs. I have a fic in the works about Sakurano that gives Nase quite a bit of screen time, but I'm not sure I'll ever finish it. -_-
I think I'm going to try to tweak the first ending and tack it onto the second ending. So I'll use both. Maybe.
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