"If Clarisse catches Celes casting magic she’ll lock her in their room and not let her out for days, and Mama won’t stop her." -Can someone (hopefully you) give me an official ruling on this shit? Whenever there's a lot of pronouns in one sentence with multiple subjects I always worry that it's not grammatically correct or something. I understand it just fine and I imagine you'd have to be under 5 to not be able to keep track of what's going on, but I worry nevertheless.
"If that happens, Celes won’t be let out until the chamber pot stink turns unbearable and she’s hungry enough to hunt for dirty Vector mice in the corners of the room." -Fucking LOVE this line. Love love. Hearts.
"half so much" -No one writes it like that in modern times, even though it's the best way to write it. More love. More hearts.
""And you don’t even remember why. You don’t even remember him.” “Oh.” -Extra love. Extra hearts. I'm running out at this point. I always like these purposeful "non-reactions" because it seems so much more real when done correctly. You obviously did it right.
-And speaking of which, these fucking transitions, man. Really top-shelf stuff.
"She doesn’t really understand all the words, but she hears the voice that says them, so grand and grave and deep, like a man’s voice should be, and she thinks: Why couldn’t I have been one of his?" -You have such a Leo boner, it probably rivals that of Celes.
"potatoes for a month now " -We need a period because that's how we end sentences and stuff and yeah.
"It’s better than a mother’s caress, better than a father’s smile. Better than a sister's trust. She knows her magic will never disappear. Things you’ve bought don’t disappear so easily, and her family paid that price long ago." -FUCK ME THIS IS GOOD. ASDF.
"“Gareth, you fool.” Mother’s voice is raspy but still forceful, somehow. “You should have let them take the baby.” And then she closes her eyes, and stops talking. They take her body to the river on the eastern edge of Vector..." -Another of these fuckwin "what isn't said means more than what is" stuff. I really like that you just moved right into the next scene. I also like you, but you know that.
"She can never love this man she’s never known, the one who wears her face above a crisp Imperial uniform." -Need clarification on this line because I didn't follow; thought it was her dad and not her.
"There’s something frightened in the blue of her eyes." -Not sure if you were going for frightened or frightening here. If you were, in fact, going for frightened, I think you need to have at least some slight segue phrase/transition to set that up because her words up until that point fit "frightening" better.
"entire stuff with Celes getting the infusion" -I think this is one of my favorite passages in this fic. So much cool stuff going on that wouldn't work without your amazing writing. Totally dig it.
"They could killed for this kind of talk." -Get.
"Celes does not waste magic." -This line, and frankly the whole bit above it, is awesome. It works so much better than any other characterization or sympathy you could otherwise drum up for Celes in the context of your fic. and I giggled really pathetic-like when I read it because it's so right.
"The ships stop sailing north, except to carry troops and Magitek armour to other places, other towns and cities to conquer." -This really doesn't work for me because you don't tie up well the supply aspect and the conquering aspect in the sentence. Read it over a few times and I think you'll understand what I mean about the two subjects not fitting together as is in this sentence.
"Who is that? she wonders." -I shouldn't squeal because this isn't anything but a fanservicey shout-out.
-I did anyway.
"The fools are planning to infiltrate the Magitek factory." -Love, hearts, yadda yadda.
-Your descriptions of the characters are really awesome here, have I mentioned that? Just how I imagine Celes might see them upon their first meeting.
no subject
"If Clarisse catches Celes casting magic she’ll lock her in their room and not let her out for days, and Mama won’t stop her."
-Can someone (hopefully you) give me an official ruling on this shit? Whenever there's a lot of pronouns in one sentence with multiple subjects I always worry that it's not grammatically correct or something. I understand it just fine and I imagine you'd have to be under 5 to not be able to keep track of what's going on, but I worry nevertheless.
"If that happens, Celes won’t be let out until the chamber pot stink turns unbearable and she’s hungry enough to hunt for dirty Vector mice in the corners of the room."
-Fucking LOVE this line. Love love. Hearts.
"half so much"
-No one writes it like that in modern times, even though it's the best way to write it. More love. More hearts.
""And you don’t even remember why. You don’t even remember him.”
“Oh.”
-Extra love. Extra hearts. I'm running out at this point. I always like these purposeful "non-reactions" because it seems so much more real when done correctly. You obviously did it right.
-And speaking of which, these fucking transitions, man. Really top-shelf stuff.
"She doesn’t really understand all the words, but she hears the voice that says them, so grand and grave and deep, like a man’s voice should be, and she thinks: Why couldn’t I have been one of his?"
-You have such a Leo boner, it probably rivals that of Celes.
"potatoes for a month now "
-We need a period because that's how we end sentences and stuff and yeah.
"It’s better than a mother’s caress, better than a father’s smile. Better than a sister's trust. She knows her magic will never disappear. Things you’ve bought don’t disappear so easily, and her family paid that price long ago."
-FUCK ME THIS IS GOOD. ASDF.
"“Gareth, you fool.” Mother’s voice is raspy but still forceful, somehow. “You should have let them take the baby.”
And then she closes her eyes, and stops talking.
They take her body to the river on the eastern edge of Vector..."
-Another of these fuckwin "what isn't said means more than what is" stuff. I really like that you just moved right into the next scene. I also like you, but you know that.
"She can never love this man she’s never known, the one who wears her face above a crisp Imperial uniform."
-Need clarification on this line because I didn't follow; thought it was her dad and not her.
"There’s something frightened in the blue of her eyes."
-Not sure if you were going for frightened or frightening here. If you were, in fact, going for frightened, I think you need to have at least some slight segue phrase/transition to set that up because her words up until that point fit "frightening" better.
"entire stuff with Celes getting the infusion"
-I think this is one of my favorite passages in this fic. So much cool stuff going on that wouldn't work without your amazing writing. Totally dig it.
"They could killed for this kind of talk."
-Get.
"Celes does not waste magic."
-This line, and frankly the whole bit above it, is awesome. It works so much better than any other characterization or sympathy you could otherwise drum up for Celes in the context of your fic. and I giggled really pathetic-like when I read it because it's so right.
"The ships stop sailing north, except to carry troops and Magitek armour to other places, other towns and cities to conquer."
-This really doesn't work for me because you don't tie up well the supply aspect and the conquering aspect in the sentence. Read it over a few times and I think you'll understand what I mean about the two subjects not fitting together as is in this sentence.
"Who is that? she wonders."
-I shouldn't squeal because this isn't anything but a fanservicey shout-out.
-I did anyway.
"The fools are planning to infiltrate the Magitek factory."
-Love, hearts, yadda yadda.
-Your descriptions of the characters are really awesome here, have I mentioned that? Just how I imagine Celes might see them upon their first meeting.
-Ending is good and stuff. More on that later.